The bad old days came back to haunt Oakhill on Saturday, as mediocre, mid-table, middle-aged Zurich handed us the worst result of the season on the road at our nearest 'away' game.

With a team still in flux and a lengthy list of absentees, management stuck Logan in goal, Kev at right-back, Hughesy at left back and controversially paired Elzie with Holtie at centre-back(ie). Neil Carnt was joined by returning skipper Matty Hunt in centre mid and Harris and Mikey took up the wing positions. Big Dave was partnered by Nathan in attack as per usual.

The game kicked off and Big Dave Holt almost struck from a well-crafted effort. Then Hunty had a bullet-header well saved at point blank range. Then we were three nil down by half time, due to a combination of disastrous defending of set-pieces and downright bad luck. The back four experiment clearly hadn't worked, so Elsie moved to right-back, Tosser to the left and Hughesy rejoined JH in the centre.

The hairdryer at half time was particularly strong as a) we were playing like a hastily-assembled paraplegic girls team wearing stiletto heels on an ice rink and b) the opposition were no more than adequate. The air was turned as blue as Holtie's knees on a cold winter's day, in an effort to make us warm to the task.

In the first minute of the second half Johnny H was forced to clear well off the line and it was obvious we were getting worse. Beigeinho came on at right back, with Elzie moving to centre mid to replace our injured captain and the team briefly looked to regain it's shape. Then we conceded a corner and obviously another goal. And another corner. And another goal. It was actually becoming tedious for Eagle Star too. So they scored a goal from open play. A late Oakhill rally saw several excellent passing moves fall short in the final third, with the most gift-wrapped rifled over the bar by Hoppo, making a long-awaited return to the team.

It was a long walk from the pitch to the changing room, where all that awaited us was another venomous verbal volley from Big Fred. Deservedly so. 6-0. Pathetic.

I have been strongly advised by management not to award a man of the match given the paucity of candidates. Johnny Holt did as well as he could, Neil Carnt won a defensive header from a corner, Lee Hughes trod on the ball and played a hospital pass to the most ideal candidate, The Beige One, who sent a last minute clearing header so close to Logan's upright that wee actually came out of his dinkle. Man of the match therefore goes to the supporters this week. With a performance like this we don't deserve you.........

Team: Logan, Francis, J.Holt, Hughes, Hewlett, M.Harris, Doran, Carnt, Hunt (Beigeinho 50), D.Holt, White (Hopkins 80).

Subs not used: D.Harris

Goals: Lots. For them.

Bookings: None.

Man of the Match:  The Oakhill Kop