Oakhill ran riot on Saturday as the feelgood factor returned to the club courtesy of a goal fest served up by Big Dave Holt and that renowned 'fox-in-the-box', Lee Hughes. Starters were provided by Michael Doran, entrees by Chef Montero, with dessert dished up by Matt Harris. Not content with gorging themselves on goals, Oakhill then decided to give Cheam Village a doggy bag of their own. 

Logan remained in goal, Philpott on the right and Kev on the left. Joel's absence forced management to gamble with Johnny Holt paired with Hughesy at centre half. The midfield saw Mikey D on the left, Harris on the right and Elsie joining Neil Carnt in the engine room, a more contrasting pair has not been seen since Tango and Cash. Big Dave Holt and Nathan completed the line-up in attack.

The team began with real gusto, clearly buoyed by their valiant performance in the Cup the week before and eager to put daylight between themselves and the bottom of the division. This led to a now typical Big Dave finish - back to goal, 20 minute turn and neat drive. 0-1. 

Neat interplay abounded and the wings were being used repeatedly to scare the bejeezus out of the Cheam back four. Nathan's intelligent running was creating space and it was only a matter of time before Oak doubled their lead, with the only surprise being that it came from Hughesy, capitalising on a superb quick short corner between Philpott and Nath to apply a textbook finish high into the roof of the net. 0-2. 

Excellent start. High tempo, strong work ethic. Now what's the most Oakhill thing we could possibly do? I know, start letting James Blunt rape Brett down the right wing repeatedly and allow the mouthy twat in their midfield to run the show for 15 minutes. 2-2. 

Half time and everyone new they were in for a calm and measured dressing down from the manager. With perforated eardrums and minus Philpott, the boys retook the field. Little Dave came on at left full back and Little Toss moved to the right, where he was instantly called into action to clear brilliantly off the line. The Oak regrouped and went up the other end of the field, where Big Dave once again did his stuff. 2-3.  

Self-destruct seemingly being a part of Oakhill's DNA, we soon found a way to punish ourselves, a mild push from Elz on a marauding Cheam midfielder in the box leading to an unjust penno. 3-3.

Now here's where the big difference came as, instead of capitulating away from home into some sort of horrendous defeat, Oakhill found something from somewhere. That somewhere happened to be the left peg of one Mr L.Hughes, who yet again caused mayhem from a set piece, chested the ball down, took time out to complete a sudoku puzzle and then despatched yet another rocket into the roof of the net. Very similar to his penalty technique. 3-4.

Little Dave then decided that he wanted in on the action and with a crowded box to aim at, sent a beautiful cross high into the top left corner of the net. 3-5.

Not content with being a supplier of goals, Mikey D then waltzed onto a through ball and slotted home. 3-6.

From here on it was surely a case of run the clock down, score more goals and bring on the Beige One to entertain the crowd with some dazzling wing play? Wrong. Shit defending from a corner and then shit defending full stop gave Cheam a two goal life-line back into the match. 5-6.

Again, this would normally signal a collapse by the Oak, but it's starting to smell like team spirit. At one end Holtie launched into a series of Moore-esque last-ditch challenges and at the other Big Dave once again fired a cracking finish past the oppo keeper.You could sense the euphoria as his team-mates surrounded him to congratulate him on securing guaranteed fellatio from a certain small follicley-challenged man and the match-ball itself. 5-7.

It only remained for Matt Harris to score one of the goals of the season. Running from the halfway line at pace, he managed to beat approx 7 Cheam defenders and himself 3 times with his low centre of gravity, random crazy legs sprint and slammed home a superb individual goal. 5-8.

Now, some of what you have read may be factually incorrect, the chronology might be out and there may be some detail awry. But you try writing match reports on a team who perform like Keegan's Newcastle on steroids. It is tricky. Man of the match went to BD for obvious reasons, but the supporting cast of Hughesy, the two wingers and Johnny Holt also deserve a mention. Serious props go to Mr Mitchell for making the journey to support a team he knew didn't even include his son. Respect, homes. I picked that from Nick and Skins........

Team: Logan, Philpott(Montero 45), J.Holt, Hughes (c), Doran, M.Harris, Hewlett, Carnt,  D.Holt, White.

Subs not used: Beigeinho, Hunt

Goals: D.Holt 3, Doran, M.Harris, Hughes 2.

Man of the Match:  'Big' Dave Holt